the pros and cons of sleeping with a married (taken) man

Kristine Angeles

Pros:

  • The person is cheating on someone for you, which makes you feel more desirable than being with someone who has nothing to lose by being with you.

  • Married men are likely older men. Older men are better at sex. Like, a lot better.

  • Plus, secret sex is automatically elevated in terms of how turned on you are. There’s always an element of “we shouldn’t be doing this.”

  • There is no pressure in the relationship. You are fun. The relationship is fun. There’s no “where is this going” because it is, by definition, not going anywhere. No other kind of relationship has this “defined from the start” freedom to it.

  • It’s a concrete “fuck you” to the kind of Stepford life everyone is pressuring you to have.

  • You make him feel desirable, which is something you lose after being in a relationship for a long time, so it’s fun to…

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Dear Mister And Mistress

The Dilemma

I just found out my husband is having an affair, and I”m just trying to process it. I want to know everything about her, and I can’t help but want to ask questions – but will this do me any good?

For some background, he says it’s not been going on long, but he doesn’t plan on stopping seeing her, and that our marriage has ultimately come to an end…not because of her, but just run it’s course.

I want to know everything about her – including a photograph. I want to know the woman that now has my husbands heart. What is your advice on this? Is it better to not know? I can’t help but ask all the questions about how they met and how they first got together, but he won’t give specifics.

I’m just trying to process feelings and I feel like knowing everything about this other woman would help. What do you think?

THE MISTER SAYS:

Think carefully about your motivation for seeing this image as you could be opening yourself up to a world of pain.

If I were the husband I would be very reluctant to send it as it could open up a whole can of worms. so if I ultimately had to send an image I’d be torn between wanting to send one that makes her look as amazing as possible, and one that hides as many of her charms as possible. One things for sure though…

If I did have to send one I certainly wouldn’t send her the one with my mistress dressed up as a schoolgirl with a bright red bottom from the recent spanking I have given her !!

THE MISTRESS SAYS:

I think certainly the less you know about this woman the better. It’s like when you are in a new relationship and occasionally you ask about the exes, only to find the more you know about them, the less you wish you did.

You don’t want to be picturing them together, and the more you know, the more you can, and then the more you will build it up in your head.

Knowing what she looks like won’t change the fact that your husband is shacking her – especially if he still IS shacking up with her.

Deal with what you know and process that one step at a time. Then you will be strong and emotionally prepared for that first moment you see a photo of the two of them together.

Although, if this had happened to us, I must say I would be tempted to send that schoolgirl picture. It’s f***ing hot!

Dear Mister And Mistress

The Dilemma

(This one was a tricky and long one so I am summarising for this).  I was seeing this guy, who recently got out of jail after 10 years.  He has 7 kids with 5 women, and I recently found out he slept with my best friend.  He’s also married.  I never intended for this to be anything, but he has a hold over me. He was in my life for 5 months, not long, but enough for me to get used to him.  Do I really need to hear the whys of their hook up?  It’ll likely do nothing but rile me up.  What do I do?  Listen to his half-assed explanation (though nothing will change, but will force him to be a man to my face) or do I keep it moving, and completely “block” him forever”

THE MISTER SAYS:

It sounds like this dude is a first class douche bag! I know the girls like a bad boy but fucking your friends shouldn’t be on anyone’s agenda if they cares about the person they are seeing even remotely.

Is there any point in seeing him? What do you deep down hope this will achieve? If it’s simply to make him squirm refusing to ever speak to him again will do that much more succinctly.

I’m sorry to hear this guy has made you feel so sad. Remember this is no reflection on you and you deserve better than this. In my opinion give the guy no more of your attention and doesn’t deserve you. The only thing he ‘owns’ is a skid mark for a soul!

THE MISTRESS SAYS:

If you read your situation summarised as it is above, what advice would you give you any friend of yours in the same situation?  I just saw your latest blog entry, and all I can say is – GOOD!  I know you can’t choose who the heart loves, but there has to be some kind of respect and love back.  This guy just uses women, and is only chasing when he thinks he’s lost you.  If he gets you back, he’ll be off with your other friend – and probably impregnate her.  And honestly – 7 kids with 5 women?  FIRST WARNING SIGN!

Three words:  You. Deserve. Better.

Learn this about yourself.  It will change your life.

Dear Mister And Mistress

The Dilemma

I am a married man, and have been for 9 years.  3 years ago I had a fling, albeit small but sexual, with a girl from the office.  I had feelings for her but not of love, more lust.  I think I was just looking for something to change the routine.  But after a couple of months I ended it.  It was the only time I strayed.

I thought I would be okay keeping it a secret but I am slowly racking myself with guilt, now that my marriage is getting back on track.  My question is, do I keep it a secret and keep my marriage happy, or do I come clean and risk it all ending?

THE MISTER SAYS:

That¹s a very tricky situation you have got yourself into. They say the softest pillow is a clear conscience so I guess you feel like you have been sleeping on a sack of bricks. My take on this is that if you have genuinely got it out of your system and it won’t happen again then you should park it and move on if the marriage is back on track. The hurt that this will cause both of you will probably be far greater than the guilt you have dealt with. Clearing your conscience could destroy the relationship and it sounds like if things are back on track you should focus all of your energy into your marriage.

THE MISTRESS SAYS:

Okay, yes this is a tricky one.  From a female point of view, I would normally say be honest.  I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that didn’t allow me the choice to stay or leave someone who had been dishonest.  But I would agree with Mister in that IF you know it won’t happen again, don’t say anything.  But, the moment you feel like you might happen again, you need to stop and focus on what you really want before you jump into anything – even a kiss with someone.  If you feel your marriage might not be what you want, then you need to man up and end it / re-assess.  Otherwise you will get caught in a cheating spiral that will not end well.  And always think – what would I want her to do if the situation was the other way around.

Dear Mister And Mistress….

The Dilemma

So two weeks ago was a turning point in my life, when I found a receipt in my husbands jeans for a dinner on a night he had said he was at a friends. I confronted him and he confessed to having an affair – but he said it was over. We are still together as he wants to work through it, and I do too, but I cant help but feel I could have done something more to prevent it? What if I was more attentive in the bedroom, or tried to surprise him? This whole situation has made me feel unattractive and unwanted, and I’m worried if I don’t change he will do it again? Just wondered your thoughts….?

THE MISTER SAYS:

First of all, you need to stop blaming yourself for your husbands indiscretion. I assume from what you’ve said that this was a one off or short term thing, and assume your husband feels sufficiently guilty for what he has done? Rather than playing the blame game, I would suggest you have a very frank conversation about what his motivations for cheating were, and then consider if you’re able to forgive him and move on. Here is a good chance to solve the underlying of why he cheated, and chances are it’s something you can both resolve, but you have to make sure you don’t blame yourself.

THE MISTRESS SAYS:

This is an interesting one, because as a mistress my take on affairs is often the men chasing a fantasy. That’s what mistresses and the “other women” are there for – because momentarily the men want something unobtainable as they are unsatisfied at home. But that’s not to say they are unsatisfied with you, so I fully agree with Mister. You can’t blame yourself. So yes, talk to him about why he cheated, and make sure he is being honest about if it really is over or it was only once. I have a hard time believing men would be honest about this aspect if they didn’t offer up the confession willingly. So trust your gut here if you know he won’t do it again, and get to the root of the problem and just look forward with how you can both help to fix it.

Dear Mister And Mistress….

The Dilemma

I came across your blog and thought I’d throw this at you because I don’t really know that I am ready to talk to friends yet.

I’ve been married for just under 10 years, and haven’t really been happy for about 8 of those.  He is a lovely man, he has done nothing wrong but I just don’t feel a connection anymore.

I never questioned it until I met a man about 4 weeks ago that blew me away.  I never felt my husband wasn’t the one for me, until I felt this connection whom I met at a work function.

So i guess my question to you is, what do I do with these feelings?  

THE MISTER SAYS:

The words that I keep hearing when I read this is “life is too short”.  You owe it to yourself and to your current husband to allow yourselves to be happy and find your true soulmate.  It is pointless sleepwalking through your marriage and now you have tasted the sweetness that is available.  (Assuming that the feeling was mutually tasted.)  Can you really return to that bitter pill?

THE MISTRESS SAYS:

From experience, I would say talk to your husband.  I assume nothing has happened between you and this man, so make sure it stays that way before you have made a decision about your husband otherwise it will get complicated

Also, you don’t know how your husband is feeling.  Perhaps he is feeling the same thing?  Have a think about your future, as Mister says you need to sometimes be selfish, and it’s also not fair on him to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him.  I would hate if someone stayed with me for the sake of it.